Recently, in a Ross parking lot, somebody aimlessly drifted out of their pew into the oncoming path of my vehicle. Near as I could tell they were paying more attention to crushing candy than to the ton and a half of moving steel they were supposed to be steering. Because I drive with what certain members of local law enforcement have described as “excessive speed,” this caused me to slam on my breaks. Which, in turn, produced a stream of unpublishable profanity. Meanwhile, my girlfriend reached across the car and placed her hand on the horn… And hesitated. Afterwards, she admitted that she didn’t want to step on my toes by honking my horn. I got to thinking, instead of swearing within the passive aggressive safety of my own climate controlled car, should I have gone aggressive aggressive and used force of volume to express my dissatisfaction with this mindless jerk-off?
After much soul searching, I have come up with the following guidelines for using one’s horn in traffic.
1. Somebody Causes You to Hit Your Breaks Unexpectedly
This scenario can happen in lots of different ways: somebody turns in front of you and is driving slower than you, somebody merges poorly on the freeway, somebody in front of you slams on their breaks, somebody runs a stop sign or a red light. The list goes on.
This person is a mouth-breathing fucker, and deserves the worst that this world has to offer. These are people at the very bottom of the shallow end of the gene pool, sucking up precious nutrient rich water from the rest of us.
2. Somebody is Driving Slower than You
The meek will not inherit the roadways. The highways of America are a daily battleground that go to the fastest, the strongest and the most assertive. These weak-minded time-wasters really shouldn’t even be out there with the rest of us. And if this person is in front of you and impeding your progress, they are essentially robbing precious seconds of your life that you will never get back. Fuck them, and fuck the company that designed their favorite T-Shirt.
(And angry, obscene gestures for good measure)
3. Somebody is Driving Faster than You
You need to let at least one of these maniacs exist in your proximity. After all, they can collect the speeding ticket that was intended for you. But if they come anywhere near your vehicle, you are totally justified letting this person know what a homicidal psychopath they are, and how much danger they are putting everybody in. These inconsiderate jackasses.
4. Somebody Doesn’t Immediately Hit Their Gas When the Light Turns Green
These fuckers caused the housing bubble to burst. They are literally shitting on the American Dream. They are the reason Donald Trump might become the President of the United States. Just thinking about these smug little sit-and-do-nothing’s enrages me. GREEN MEANS GO, DIPSHITS. GAS PEDAL IS THE ONE ON THE RIGHT! I hate these people.
(And make sure it’s that way-too-long, obnoxious “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOU” horn that causes everybody at the intersection to look over and wonder if they are about to see some real life road rage)
5. Somebody Has Their Brights on While Driving Towards You
What this person really deserves is a head on collision. But you are not Bruce Willis from Unbreakable, so we will have to tone it down a bit.
(And flashing your brights at him repeatedly)
6. Somebody Doesn’t Use Their Turn Signal
These people are basically saying that they are better than everybody around them. Arrogant pricks. You know what to do.
7. Somebody is Creeping into Your Lane
This is a direct threat to your physical safety, and the person doing it is probably playing on their fucking cell phone. Rude, inconsiderate bastard.
(Also, roll down your window, point angrily, and explain in graphic detail what you would do to this person’s maternal figure)
Congratulations, you are now prepared to effectively and properly communicate with other drivers!