This one is an oldie. Usually, this one would be in the “Older MySpace Entries,” section. But, I’m going to start a new section all about “10 Things I Learned From My Favorite Movies, Music, and other random pop-culture icons!” So, sit back and enjoy the first of many entries in this category with my first, the original…
10 Things I Learned From… TEEN WOLF!
I don’t know if it’s because I was up all night when I watched it, but I watched the movie Teen Wolf again recently and something came as an epiphany to me; most people don’t know how weird it really is. There are some important lessons to be learned from it, however, and I think you all should learn them as I have. Okay, let’s preface this article. This movie is shit terrible. But, it’s a classic. Unlike the sequel with Jason Bateman which is: things that make you go and kill yourself. But, I hope you enjoy this and tell all your friends. No, seriously, tell them. Here we goooooooooooooo….
1. For some reason, if you’re the lamest kid in school and you start to appear wolf-like, you will immediately be accepted. You know, most kids in high school are getting hair in weird places and have hairy palms, but MJF takes this thing to a whole new level. The movie is essentially a metaphor for puberty, I get it. Veeeeeeery clever, Hollywood. Except, you forgot about how being awkward usually is NOT beneficial to kids growing up. If this were real life, he’d be hanging from his locker and have a parking cone in his ass. But, he’s the Teen Wolf.
2. Once you appear wolf-like, you will also get the hottest chick in school, when you couldn’t get her before. But don’t get too excited, she just wants you for your body to make her a-hole boyfriend jealous… Wait, what? I don’t think I was ever able to get a girl in high school by showing her all the new “cool acne” I had grown or by showing her how “dope my glasses” were. By all accounts, what MJF is going through is a FUCKING HORRIBLE HEREDITARY DISEASE. How is that supposed to make a girl attracted to him?
3. You will immediately be asked to be in the school play, but it’s not for your new-found acting skills (or lack thereof). It’s because you’re a wolf. Everyone love you as a wolf. Again, I understand how bananas that sounds (b.a.n.a.n.a.s), because if society has taught me anything, it’s that being different in such a way that it leaves you completely drawn away from society, is one of the biggest reasons for people amskray-ing themselves off of a 30 story roof top. MJF’s only problem is that he can’t act, but they want him in the play anyways. God damnit.
4. You can now freely scare the school principal with threats of violence. If said threats do not intimidate the authority figure, your wolf dad will gladly step in and scare the piss out of him. This isn’t a play on words, or anything: Literally… your father, who is also a wolf, will make the principal lose control of his bladder. I have nothing on this. I guess, I mean… (sigh) I know it’s before Columbine and all that, but they weren’t going to expel him or anything? I mean, shit, the principal in Ferris Bueller went to his goddamn house because he thought he faked being sick. This guy just soils himself. Pussy.
5. If you were a below average basketball player before being a wolf, your “wolf-ness” will make you a star of Michael Jordan-esque proportions! You will also become a selfish jerk-ass, who doesn’t know how to pass. There is no correlation here: ZERO. I mean, until Air-Bud, who would have thought of a dog even playing basketball, let alone dominating? More importantly, if werewolves are so good at Basketball, why is there not a single team in the NBA named after the mythological creature? Twilight, probably… but that’s another post altogether.
6. Not that this has much to do with the wolf thing, but you have a girlfriend named Boof- WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS BOOF? I mean, really? Really? They never even explain this in the movie. I can’t even THINK of a name that would be shortened to “Boof” without me having to pretend I have Downs syndrome. After checking IMDB, I’ve found that her name is Lisa “Boof” Marconi. Seriously, I have nothing.
7. People only love you as a wolf! So if you aren’t a wolf, you’re the lamest kid in school all over again. Remember, this is counter to real life where the guy who wears costumes and/or has excessive body hair is not only socially unacceptable, but also either laughed at or feared… But mostly laughed at. Once Scott decides to stop being a wolf, he loses all of his newfound respect, but learns a lesson in life: your true friends will be there, whether you sniff their crotch, or not. Way to burn your golden ticket, ass-hole.
8. You can be late for work. Don’t worry… you’re a wolf! Granted, your dad owns the store, but dude, show up on time. That’s all I got.
9. Dog whistles are NOT YOUR friend. Avoid them at all costs! This is probably because your a wolf. Oh… I get it, cause dogs and wolves are similar. So, you are like a dog, AND a wolf… I’m really starting to lose my patience here.
10. You can freely, and without consequence or legal ramifications, have your friend (who is named Styles, by the way) drive you through town while performing feats of acrobatic supremacy on top of a moving van. All the while both you and the driver (both underage) consume alcoholic beverages. Right… I did that all the time in High School, except I wore an elephant costume and still wasn’t really great at sports or acting. So, I guess I see now where I fucked that up.
As much as I love this movie, it’s just fun to look at the ridiculousness of it all. I mean, come on. But, seriously guys, what do YOU think?