As cheesy as it may seem and as lame as the title is, I love Robocop. It’s one of the most violent, foul movies ever created. In most respects, it’s not a masterpiece. What makes it good is how dynamic it is. If taken seriously, it can be looked at as a dark comedy/sci-fi/action film; and it’s decent when looked at in that light. However, you can also look at it as just an overly violent b-movie about a robot. And like most movies I’ve watched since I was a kid, I’ve learned much from Robocop. Besides swearing at my mother in the middle of a crowded grocery store at the age of 4, here are 10 Things I Learned From Robocop:
1. You can have your hand and then full arm shot off in succession, be shot over 40 times by shotgun blasts at point-blank range and then shot in the head and still technically be alive and flown to a hospital. Normally, the acts listed above would be the life sized equivalent of placing a human body inside of a Cuisinart, but not to YOU! You’re a cop! Now, we all now that science gets better and if we’re supposed to believe in robots we should be able to suspend enough disbelief to think that someone could be killed 12 times and still be alive. Right? Oh, it’s not THAT big of a stretch.
2. When you are at your board meeting to demonstrate your new police robot, Enforcement Droid 209, you can safely leave live ammunition inside of the robot. Because, you know, it will never malfunction and kill someone accidentally. Seriously, don’t touch him. This is one of those moments that me and my friends refer to as : “And absolutely nothing can go wrong this time!” For anyone who HASN’T seen this piece of gold, “Mr. Kenny” proceeds to be a demonstration assailant and is killed by robot, ED 209. But, he isn’t just killed, he get’s it a little worse than a few cuts and scrapes.
Oh, and don’t touch the guy that gets shot. I love how Peter Weller get’s shot by criminals and he’s turned into a robot, but this guy is just gonna get a ham sent to his wife after an “accident.” Seems fair.
3. In the future, everyone will watch the same TV show about some perverted old dude with a bad moustache who tries to have sex with attractive young women. Also, convenience store owners will leave their safe’s in plane sight, but cover them with beer cans. Shhh… don’t tell anyone it’s there. Crime in “Old Detroit” is basically on par with the level of intelligence in “Old Detroit.”
4. When you’re in city politics and you lose your office, you can bring your high powered automatic weapon into City Hall and hold the mayor hostage. Because nobody is going to stop you from walking into a government building with a fucking Uzi. I mean, at least Neo set off the alarm in The Matrix. Did nobody ask this guy to “remove his keys, change, and watch?” The rest of us can’t even go through an airport terminal without taking off our shoes.
5. When city’s become too corrupt and crime ridden, large corporations will simply plan to tear them down and rebuild them. So, Wal-Mart will eventually tear down Phoenix and re-build it? But, first they’ll place robotic immigration enforcers around town town to clean up the city. Riiiiight. I know that sometimes, you have to create outlandish plots for movies to be able to promote an even more outlandish idea, but come on. If Wal-Mart starts running the Phoenix Police, we’re all screwed.
6. Cocaine factories aren’t common. But, when you find one, it’s about 30 thousand square feet and filled with about 50 employees. What kind of payroll laws are a part of that industry? Are they backed by a union? I mean, is no authority besides a gigantic robot/human hybrid capable of hunting down and seeking out these “hidden” cocaine factories that are probably blowing white smoke in the air and are maybe the size of a local Best Buy? Maybe Detroit’s law enforcement thought they were just a big Fake Snow Factory. Great cover.
7. Recalls don’t happen much in the Robocop universe. That robot, ED-209, that killed that one dude in the middle of that conference? Yeah, they were going to use that for “urban pacification.” Read: that thing was going to be killing drug dealers and liquor store robbers on the streets to clean up crime in “Old Detroit.” So, you have this giant thing with guns for hands and all it does is shoot people, and you’re going to use that to stop crime. Yeah, it’d stop be from doing anything. I don’t think I’d flush my toilet too loud if I knew that thing might here me, and light up my house with enough C4 to take out Afghanistan. Jesus. No noise ordinance violations here, ED-209.
8. Petty crimes don’t exist in “Old Detroit.” Obviously, if you need to create these ass-holes to stop crime, it goes beyond a few kid spray-painting a brick wall, or mugging an old lady.
I guess this is evident with the crimes that you see Robocop taking on in his first day on the job. Of the list of crimes he thwarts (rape, hostage sitch, etc), only the convenience store robbery seems to be “petty.” But, even the guy who robs it is wielding a military grade assault rifle. I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, where does all this horrendous crime come from? Well, it IS Detroit.
9. Robocop causes a lot of property damage, and I guess when you’re 6’7″ and are made of titanium and have a gun that causes as many bowel movements at first sight as it shoots bullets, you don’t really get the bill from the mayor when you use “excessive force.” But, I mean, who pays for all the shit he breaks? At one point, he’s thwarting a gas station robbery attempt that results in the gas station EXPLODING. Gasoline + Explosions = about 3 square blocks that are now damaged or gone. Seriously, did nobody even think to QUESTION whether this robot cop was causing more harm than good? I mean, you can’t exactly turn his gun into a ticket dispenser for speeders…
10. Robots that have organics run simply off of baby food. Yeah, it’s a “rudimentary paste” designed to sustain the organs left over from Alex Murphy. Because, keeping those around are required for making an efficient machine. They even quote, at one point as to agreeing on “total body prosthesis” which means every last part of him should be gone, including his robo junk. Which brings me to the last point. Robo still has feelings for his wife. Yes, this is the one part of him that is still supposed to be human, but why is he still getting “funny feelings in his Robo cod-piece?” Probably should have been part of the old “system reboot,” because then they had to deal with Robo going all “Re-Max” and checking on his old haunt to see his wife and child had moved on with the mail man. Tough break.